my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
