I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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