Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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