you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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