youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
