you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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