Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
