Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
