He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i came on her dog
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
