Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
