Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I cannot find my penis.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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