Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
