Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just forgot I was standing up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize