i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
