I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
