Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
