you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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