And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
