It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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