also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
