My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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