So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
