i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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