Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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