dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
