I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
