I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
