Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
