I want to make a zoo with you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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