How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
