I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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