My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
