On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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