I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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