Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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