Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
