her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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