Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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