Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
how can u be prego again
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
