Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pants are for mortals
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
