You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
