we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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