Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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