The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
