cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
