My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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