we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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