I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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