hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize