how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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