he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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