exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
