Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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