My Higher Power is John Stamos
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize