Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
