do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
