i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm passing your future prison.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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