When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
