I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
