mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
