i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
