no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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