I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
