paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
