Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
